why am I even UP??

Psh. No idea. Well I do, actually, it's because to get a shower in my house you must rise horrendously early so that others do not steal your hot water. And so I have wet hair and nothing to do, so I got bored and wandered downstairs and stumbled into the computer switch... you know how it is.
Just worked out I am the ONLY person without a blinky icon, mostly because I am too lazy to download the appropriate software. Little Vash is very kawaii but he is sulky and MOVES NOT.
Oh have solved my Fahye's Diaries problem! Using the depresing ending, heh heh. Adjusted the other ending slightly then managed to fit it into the beginning of the last chapter without it looking TOTALLY out of context. Go me! *sleepy little dance*
The utter patheticness of being online at this hour of the morning has just hit me. Think I'll go plan interesting things to do in my double free.

read at your own risk

I’m sick of being ever-cheerful and mostly positive on this LJ and pretending that there’s nothing wrong with my life. There is. Warning: long bitchy moan ahead. Skip it if you like, I don’t give a damn.

My life is far from being good. At the moment, I hate my parents. My mother is on my case about absolutely everything I do, and we can’t go a day without arguing. She complains that I’m turning into a typical teenager, as though I’m supposed to skip normal adolescent emotional turmoil completely and become some freaky stable ready-made adult with no social life. My dad is often bossy and completely patronising and refuses to let anyone else have their way when he wants something.
I hate my body, mostly the fact that I am terribly unfit and can’t motivate myself to exercise. I hate my junk food problem and the fact that my parents keep the house stocked with junk while at the same time lecturing me on how important a healthy diet is. I hate my horrible skin and how ugly I can look.
I hate the fact that I have no talents. The only reason I can dance at all is that I’ve done it for the past 8 years and anyone would be able to dance if they did that, and I’m not actually that good compared to other people. I can do maths because my parents can, end of story, and I hate them irrationally that they couldn’t have given me something more interesting. I hate that I have no motivation or willpower to teach myself anything like drawing or musical instruments, and so am doomed to be talentless forever for no reason other than my own personal failings.
I hate the pressure that is put on me by my parents and peers and most of all by myself to get impossibly high marks and always be the best, and I hate the disappointment that I feel when I get back a slightly-less-than-perfect mark and then the guilt that I know that others would love that mark and think me stupid and elitist to have expected better. And I hate the fact that all the work and stress is because I’m aiming for a UAI that I probably won’t get anyway and that I have a horrible feeling I am only aiming for that course because the entrance score is that high, and that if I do the course I’ll end up wasting my life and hating it. And even if I get through I’ll be restricted to a prestigious field where employment is slim and the pay bugger all. I hate the fact that I’m not brave enough to branch out and go for something like directing or stage management that I would actually love because I’m scared of failure and unemployment and that I’ll never be good enough.
I hate the whole religion question, the way I feel uncomfortable and defensive whenever the topic is raised among my friends and then guilty afterwards for being so cowardly. I hate the fact that half the time I’m not even sure what I believe in, and I wish I could be an atheist as it would make life so much simpler. But I can’t. And I hate that.
I hate the fact that the only person I’ve ever considered to be my best friend just moved to Queensland and the person that I thought I was closest to is annoying me lately with her refusal to accept my interests and general immaturity on most occasions. I hate feeling torn between two groups and the fact that I am now closer to you guys than half the people in my “group”. I hate the guilt that I feel whenever I leave my group and whenever I intrude on yours.
I hate the fact that I am doomed to never have requited love because I have stupid, impossibly high ideals from reading/writing/watching too many fictional things, and am such a romantic that I’ll probably ignore all chances at happiness chasing silly ideals and spend all of my life feeling as alone as I do now. I also hate the fact that I am half a romantic idiot and half a pessimistic cynic. I hate the way some of my friends think I’m a frigid bitch for refusing to even entertain the idea of dating guys that I know, mostly because of the ideals thing, and I hate it when I start feeling that they’re probably right and I’m just fussy and cold. I hate feeling that the only reason I’m so anti-children and anti-marriage is because I’m scared of pain, inconvenience and commitment and am too selfish to share my life and be responsible for someone else.
But most of all I hate the fact that there is that this much negative feeling and darkness in my soul, and how often I find myself being selfish, egoistical, bossy, dishonest, hypocritical and cowardly. No wonder I’ll never find anyone who’ll love me. I wouldn’t, if I were anyone else.