fahye | renaissance

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renaissance

I think...I think I want to replace all of my icons with icons of ANIMATED THINGS THAT BRING ME JOY. I don't know if I will, but that is my current urge.

(Now featuring: the titular character of The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, that one anime I went kind of crazy about and still really really want to write fic for...some day.)

I feel a bit weird about this urge because I don't really want to pimp Naruto to anyone on my current flist, because directing people through the quagmire of terrible animation and bad pacing that is the first HUNDRED EPISODES while also making sure they obtain knowledge of plot and character details is a Herculanean task only undertaken by mad people or

ryokophoenix. (Which is sad, because Shippuuden is made of sheer ~~unadulterated~~ okay, occasionally-adulterated-by-residual-pacing-issues AWESOME and I love all the characters into little tiny pieces, especially my three favourites.) But I WILL whole-heartedly recommend my other icon sources like Death Note and Ouran and AVATAAAAR and of course the abovementioned Haruhi show.

Right -- I am about to do some notetaking, walk to the shopping centre and back, and then do some more notetaking, but after that I may have some free time, so, here's an interesting meme that I stole from

bravecows:

Everyone has things they blog about. Everyone has things they don't blog about. Challenge me out of my comfort zone by telling me something I don't blog about, but you'd like to hear about, and I'll write a post about it*. Ask for anything: latest movie watched, last book read, political leanings, thoughts on yaoi, favorite type of underwear, graphic techniques, etc. Repost in your own journal so that we can all learn more about each other.

The thing about me is that I often don't mind talking about personal aspects of myself, but it never occurs to me to do so. So this is probably a good meme. Have at! If I find a question too weird or personal then I'll tell you so, but you should be fine to ask me anything at all.

*Or, you know, talk about it in a comment. Some of these answers aren't very long!

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Hmmm!

You made a post yonks ago about your sexuality. I cannot be bothered finding it and these things often change, so since it is a topic close to my heart, I ask you to post about your sexuality; how it manifested, how it manifests now, preferences, how it affects (or doesn't affect) you in everyday life, etc etc etc.

Oh man. This is complicated. I'll try to put it in neat sections, because structure makes me happy.

Preferences

I class myself as bisexual because I can be attracted to both men and women, but mostly because I see no difference between then in terms of my willingness to enter a romantic relationship. (I realise that it's a polarising label but I honestly don't know much about my attraction or lack thereof to people whose genders are more fluid or complex.) The people I find attractive are more LIKELY to be girls -- girly girls :D -- and I don't like extreme masculinity, so all in all I lean more to the sapphic side of things I guess. But it's weird making statements about it because of how little sexuality I have overall.

Power dynamics (I knew you'd want this one :D)

Frankly my control-freak issues are such that I could never, ever be 'the submissive one'. It just wouldn't work. Inasmuch as sex goes I guess I wouldn't mind power struggles, but...eh. I don't know. Maybe experience would tell me more. (Relationship-wise I have a massive Utena complex: I like to protect and to give and to fight. I can tell when I like someone because I get the enormous urge to buy them things or make them things or plan silly unique events for them.)

Manifestation

I was slow. Very slow. I didn't work out my sexuality until I was 16, and I think this was because I was a completely asexual being up until that point. My sex drive has increased since then but it's still pretty minimal: there are a couple of days a month where I feel like snogging random people or wondering if I can convey my willingness to be pushed against a wall with just the POWER OF MY EYES, but some days I'll be entirely ambivalent about the whole concept. And on many days the idea of someone touching me, or doing anything involving body fluids, is just WEIRD and enough to freak me out. I don't like people touching me unless I initiate the contact, or unless they are one of about four people.

Effects

Um...it's odd. I am at an age where SOME sexual experience is assumed, and I haven't yet gotten past ONE totally unenjoyable kiss during an unwise game of spin the bottle, during a time when everyone around me had sexualities and mine was still in a little dormant ball somewhere. But I am woefully unused to the IDEA of being in a relationship or sharing a bed or doing sex-things with other people, having spent so long alone. It would take me a long time to adjust and I find so few people sexually attractive (vs. aesthetically attractive) that most days it simply doesn't seem worth the effort.

You asked about sexuality rather than relationships per se, but I think a lot of the reason I don't actively seek out relationships have a lot to do with my sexuality issues. 1) I have zero gaydar so will NEVER approach a girl, 2) despite my best efforts I feel weird about my own total inexperience, and 3) I would be a TERRIBLE girlfriend as far as sex was concerned! I would have no sex drive for most of the month! I would probably be happy with just occasional kissing!

For the record, the sentiments/feelings expressed in this fic (http://mercurial-wit.livejournal.com/42207.html) are pretty much the sum of my sexual attitudes on the days I actually feel something, condensed very tightly until something that resembles a real sexual relationship appears. I don't know how authentic this makes it, but...yeah. Also I am not a boy and know nothing about penises beyond What I Have Learned From, well, porn. And fanfic. WHOO.

I guess the upshot is that I don't think of myself as a sexual person, and when I do, it's much easier to take care of it myself than to act against my own Issues and enter the world of adult relationships, about which I know pretty much ZILCH.

OH and also: I had a few experiences with people being attracted to me, also in the pre-sexuality stage, and all of them made me feel deeply uncomfortable/guilty for various reasons. I don't really want to go into details, but I think they were formative in both my unwillingness to initiate anything and my inability to recognise/be receptive to people who are interested in me. My default reaction is defensiveness because I have a deep fear of showing more interest than I actually feel. And...I have no positive experiences of interest. Every time it's been shown or (more often) revealed to me at a later date by a third party, it's come with baggage or complicating factors that have made it totally unwelcome.

Uggghhh, I am going to nose in here and commiserate, just because: YES. GOD. I have had (let us discreetly say) a count-on-the-fingers-of-one-hand number of experiences being the object of someone's affection/attraction/interest, and they were so trainwreckishly awful that the very idea of being in that kind of situation again makes me cringe in horror.

I haven't read your journal in a while (I'm usually all about the BSG but not at the mo) but just to comment on this. While not entirely the same, you sound similar-ish to me sexuality-wise, and I've in the past few years been self-describing as asexual/homosensual. I identified as gay for a long time before that but it never quite fit, the same way that hetero never quite fit when I was younger. I do actually have a strong sex drive but it doesn't drive towards anyone, to put it in the best way I can. I like making out and occasionally feel very "on the prowl" but when it comes down to it, but ultimately sex just isn't something that's internally directed for me. I do, however, find girls far more attractive and am drawn to them on an emotional/touchy-feely level. Although, of course, when you take actual sexual attraction out of the equation it doesn't matter much to me if I'm pashing a boy or a girl. In general, I'm not interested in any of it, especially not relationships and am happier having an intensely emotional connection with a best friend.

Anyway, I mention this not because I'm doubting your bisexuality - you define yourself, of course - but thought you may not be aware of asexuality and the variations that fall under the orientation's umbrella. There are those of us with a sex drive and those without and those with one a couple of days a month. Those who can't stand kissing and consider it sexual and those who love it and don't tie it to genital sex. The asexual orientation is, at its most basic, about not experiencing sexual attraction to people as a general rule, even if you experience emotional or other kinds of attraction (or, like me, have a sex drive but still don't feel physical attraction to people). There's a community for it on LJ here (http://community.livejournal.com/asexuality/), and I've read lots of posts there that describe what you've described down to a tee (often self-desribing asexual/bi-romantics or bi-sensuals).

It's such a pain that sexuality is set up as such a binary-type construct. It makes it extremely difficult for people who don't quite fit to make sense of their own feelings, even if you're someone who's extremely self-aware generally. I can't believe how long it took me to figure out the missing link, given that I'm usually very clued in to myself. It wasn't till I really found out more about asexuality and found some other people who felt the same that I had a language to describe myself.

Don't worry, I'm not really talking about BSG much myself at the moment :)

And thanks so much for taking the time to post this -- I've had it suggested to me before that I might be asexual (or, as you say, somewhere under that vague umbrella) and I certainly wouldn't be surprised, although at the moment I'm finding it difficult to untangle my actual sex drive from the more personality/emotional aspects of me that prevent me from being able to make the first move or enter relationships.

[#] of things you have always sort of (or really!) wanted to do, but probably won't.

- Tattoo! Well. I know what I want and where I want it but I won't ever get it on that place because doctors shouldn't have visible tattoos. Maybe someday I'll get one someplace less visible, but to me that rather spoils the whole thing.

- Learn to actually draw (I am hampered in this -- and in learning a lot of things -- because the perfectionist part of me hates producing anything of poor quality).

- Mumble mumble learn the trumpet & play in a band/orchestra. I love trumpets! It would be easy because I've already played euph! All I'd need to do would be to adjust my embouchure and get used to playing from a treble clef. However, it is the least neighbour-friendly instrument ever with the possible exception of drums, so, uh, no.

- I don't know. Write a novel. (I'm starting to realise that my attention span is even more of a handicap here than I'd thought.)

What do you want and where?

I want and death shall have no dominion on the inside of my left wrist.

Oh, I did know that! :D *smacks head*

I am also on the lookout for something I really like in French -- some sentiment that resonates or something that just sounds wonderful -- to go on the other wrist*. Or maybe just Shakespeare (probably Tempest).

*you know, theoretically. not that it would actually happen. I bet there is something in La Peste that would work, if I had the skills to read the French version.

I'll probably be making another La Peste quotes post later this week ... I was going to do a short one tonight but thought I might be boring people with my endless La Peste babble XD

I don't know if any of it is fragmentable enough, though! There are a lot of sentiments that I think would be appropriate but they tend to be a bit longer than "and death shall have no dominion".

Having one wrist inked, I find it problematic to consider a different message on the other wrist, for fear that they'll be read to go together. I try to imagine reading it: for the joy it brings look up? for the joy it brings if not now? Yikes. But if you had something long like Ji, that might actually be helpful.

...

Sorry, I'll go now.

That is true, actually. Hmm. French would avoid that problem :D

Well, if ever there was a tattoo I would not object to my doctor having...

I'm just saying.

Sends a positive message!

That would be the best tattoo EVER.

YOUR SENTENCE IMPLIES I AM NOT A MAD PERSON. I TAKE OFFENSE.

ALSO: GUILTY PLEASURES?

SORRY HON. OF COURSE YOU ARE MAD.

Hmm! I think everyone on LJ already knows about my prediliction for mediocre sci-fi. Let's see what else.

- dreadful action films like The Saint, Mr & Mrs Smith, the Die Hard series, Bond movies, etc.
- certain romantic comedies. only certain! romantic comedies are very polarising: I either love them or detest them. if they have Drew Barrymore in them they get an EXTRA LEVEL of detestation.
- reading long, involved, terrible fanfic. I do this when I am totally mentally exhausted and just want to follow a thread of narrative with minimum effort and maximum trashy payoff.
- food-wise...Cherry Ripes and iced coffees
- not that you'll consider this a guilty ANYTHING, but: pop from my childhood :D

YOU STILL NEED TO SEE HARUHI BY THE WAY. It's short. Any chance we could marathon it sometime between the 20th and the 30th?

I`m planning to read The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruki next.
I was a bit unsure about it, but I`ll look forward to it. :)

I`m so on a Deathnote thing right now.
I finished reading the comics while I was in Japan.
AND OH L. *flails*

I don't know anything about the manga -- the anime is not presented in chronological order, which makes it sometimes frustrating and sometimes very clever.

I haven't finished watching the Death Note anime because I...don't want to watch the end >_< And I own the first three volumes of the manga but have NO INCOME right now so I can't buy the rest, though I do mean to do so.

Talk to me about languages! How many do you speak (or *fingerquote* 'speak'), and when did you learn them? Why? What languages don't you know, but would love to learn?

OR:

What are the things - in meatworld, in fandom, wherever - that you Just Don't Get? What are the things that just do not compute?

(Example: I am frankly bemused by Horseperson shipping in Good Omens fandom, and just cannot comprehend how people can bring a book on holiday with them, enjoy it, and leave it behind after they've finished. Same with people who never watch a film more than once.)

Languages! I speak English and, er, don't even 'speak' French, although I can read it fairly well if I am aware of context and/or have a dictionary handy. My writing is terrible. My listening comprehension is terrible. My speaking is godawful. Basically I studied Advanced French until Year 10 and then dropped it becuase it wouldn't fit in my timetable (I WISH I'd kept it instead of doing crazy amounts of maths in Yrs 11/12) and all improvement since then has been via self-teaching. But I love it as a language, I think it's absolutely beautiful, and I really wish I was fluent.

I have made brief stabs in the direction of Russian but I'm not even comfortable with the alphabet yet. It's the next one I'm interested in, even though I really should aim for something more useful & more building-on-French-knowledge, like Spanish. But Russian sounds so COOL and it's so DIFFERENT.

I can speak maybe twenty words of Indonesian (remnants from primary school!), retain a teensy bit of German from doing six months of it in Year 7, and did a whole year and a half of Latin at some point so I probably could remember some of that at knifepoint, too.

Your thoughts on the military -- as concept, as cultural force in the meat world, as part of your family history (presuming that it is).

I...hmm. I don't have many thoughts, I'll warn you right off the bat. It plays absolutely no part in my thoughts on my family history, even though I know my grandfather was a British officer in India at some point -- there is no grand or even minor military tradition to which I can relate or am expected to adhere, for which I am profoundly grateful.

My father enlisted as something for which I'm not sure of the proper title -- a reserve officer, maybe? he was automatically a Major in the army because of his skill level -- and did a posting in East Timor as a general surgeon for the Australian peacekeeping forces there, a few years ago. I think this was admirable of him and would certainly not rule out doing a similar thing myself if the situation presented itself; I also seriously considered applying for an Air Force scholarship to medical school because of my interest in tropical medicine (very armed forces applicable) but didn't want to tie myself to the service, in the end, because I don't think I've got the right personality for it.

I don't KNOW a lot about politics or the structure of world armies or anything, but I believe in separation of state and military just as I believe in separation of state and church. I think that the members of armed forces should be respected but not placed on pedestals. I think I'm uncomfortable with the idea of people whose job is not to act as directed by their own moral and ethical codes, but as directed by an authority, because the basis for my secular morality is that each person does have the ability -- and the responsibility -- to make moral choices in their daily life.

What are your personal literary kinks? What makes you clutch (or want to clutch) a piece of writing to your chest in JOY and RAPTURE?

~~DEAN/BELA~~

Where would your ideal living space be? What would it look like? What would you put in it?

THAT IS SUCH A HARD QUESTION. Um. Certain types of prose, either the very dry & funny like the best specimens in SPN and SGA slash fandom, or the insanely cleverly beautiful like

pogrebin's HP fic (and yours!). Good snark. Love stories that are unconventionally played out, uniquely described, but emotionally powerful. Use of my favourite words! ('Solipsism' wins me every time.) Erudite works that educate you or that assume a shared education and build on references to it. Stories that layer their themes and parallels and then draw everything together perfectly at the end. Perfect opening and closing lines. Absolutely original metaphors that make you gasp yes, it's just like that.

Heck, what are your thoughts on yaoi.

WELL. The first anime I ever watched was a yaoi anime, and the first two fandoms I was in were predominantly yaoi-based, so...yeah, I have thoughts, but my thoughts now are a little to different to my thoughts then.
(I'm kind of lumping slash fanfic based on manga/anime in with the actual shounen-ai/yaoi animes themselves in my definition here.)

Like Ji I am PROFOUNDLY ANNOYED by the whole seme/uke distinction and the importance that is placed on it, such that saying (to use a more familiar example) 'Doctor/Master' is actually very different to calling it 'Master/Doctor' and tells you straight off a) who's pitching and who's catching, to be crude about it, and b) what the overall dynamic between them will be, ie. one where the power and/or dominance is very definitely uneven.

I haven't ever bothered to analyse the whole trend for girlish appearance and often girlish behaviour in yaoi -- it was a whole new bewildering and eye-opening world when I was sixteen, as my early LJ entries will attest to in the most horrifying manner -- so although I know it's a terrible and inaccurate portrayal, of real homosexual relationships, I also find myself unable to judge it too harshly because of what it does in terms of the aforementioned eye-opening. Sure, these girls have no idea what real gay men are like, but at least they approve of their relationships and their right to have them.

Er. My thoughts on yaoi in general are obviously very disorganised. It may be more helpful/clarifying to ask me about specifics or personal experience.

I think you'll like this :P

http://pics.livejournal.com/greenapple2004/pic/000dfh0s/

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