spirits

[fahye]

Now greet me with your red wine evening face,
all flushed and bitter-warm, all drowning smells
and dusk. Decant yourself to my embrace
and sing to me of languid caramels
with rising floral notes. Now give to me
your champagne laugh that catches just below
the nose and sizzles there in ecstasy
then dissipates into the blood. Now show
your amber tones for all they're worth; now burn
me with your brandy tastes. Dive smooth and sweet
into my inner self and then return,
ensnare my hands and paralyse my feet
'til I am heady with your words and caught
by darker acid pulls, eyes low, breath taut.

Comments

[genarti]

...Oh, I like.

How are you so talented? How? Share some with the rest of us!

[littledust.livejournal.com]

You write the prettiest extended metaphors in the WORLD. Your poetry always leaves me stunned in the best kind of way, like some kind of serendipity just walked into the room. ♥

[nextian.livejournal.com]

I confess that my first (and final) thought was, "Oh thank god, more Fahye poetry! I was about to learn the Juliet poem by heart from rereading!"

It's very cool, and of course the perfect title. Love for "decant yourself to my embrace" and "all flushed and bitter-warm" and "burn me with your brandy tastes"

I am not wild about the end line. "Darker acid pulls" is sort of a garden path sentence; I keep reading "pulls" as a verb. But the rhyme 'caught' and 'taut' is worth keeping. So!

Hmm. Comma after ecstasy?

[fahye.livejournal.com]

*tears at hair* I could NOT find a better word than 'pulls', even though I hated the noun-verb confusion. And it's exactly the right meaning. I considered 'tides', but that was too...large. Any ideas?

[fahye.livejournal.com]

Also, I added and removed the comma after ecstasy about five times *sheepish*. This is why I need you! You have an uncanny knack for immediately pointing out the weaknesses.

[nextian.livejournal.com]

Tragically I will be no help with "pulls." I am crap at describing either tastes or scents (that being possibly why I like this so much) and get stuck at 'hints' or 'tones' without even making it to 'saccharine' and 'acrid'.

By acid in the depths, maybe, or acid underneath, or little darker shocks? None of them are right, though...

And why thank you, I'll be here until ... okay, until tomorrow morning. But still.

[schiarire.livejournal.com]

Oh, poetry. It says something about me that on the first read or two I thought this was free verse. (It also says something about your knack for, e.g., rhyming without seeming like you're rhyming.) I should have known you better!

It's good, but not quite to my taste. I suggest adapting "by darker acid pulls" to a variant on "by acid darkly pulling," which doesn't scan, but which will perhaps spur you to . . . whatever it is you are looking for?

*so out of her depth. glad that Emma got here first*