fahye | really, I just like the word 'melancholy'

Current Mood: melancholy
Current Music: Gone - Switchfoot

really, I just like the word 'melancholy'

*curls up in a ball*

You know those days where you wake up already wishing you were asleep again?

Yeah.

I couldn't concentrate in my single tutorial and had to fight not to make a mistake in my 3-hour practical lab for genetics. So many dilutions and centrifugations and additions and little fiddly steps where something could be forgotten. I appear to have lost all of my lab-fu over the break, and the demonstrator kept having to stop me and show me an easier/better/less STUPID way.

Some days are just designed to be marked 'return to sender'.

~

I considered the opinion anonymeme.

If you have something you want to tell me, tell me here. Honest opinion is never something I will ignore. I believe in the courage required to put your name next to your words, and if I'm doing something to inadvertently piss off or anger anyone...I want to know. I can't promise that I'll change. But I promise to listen.

And if you want to tell me something nice, hell, designated dumping grounds for affection are only for the likes of Valentines Day and other commercialised social constructs. I'm allowed to say shit like this because I'm single, you see.

The point being: your opinions of me, good OR bad, do not have to be stuck anonymously under a nervously posted comment that's the virtual equivalent of tying oneself to a tree and waiting to be fed chocolates or hit with rotten tomatoes.

I'm sorry if I sound pissy. See above re: not the best of days. And some of my friends have actually been hurt by that meme, so I'm not feeling too kindly disposed towards it, no matter how many warm fuzzies it has to potential to give me.

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Okay. Here's what I think of you.

You're demanding. You expect a lot of people, and I'd probably have a crush on you if I weren't so damned terrified; I'm quite glad I don't, to be honest, because then you'd expect even more. Sometimes you make me frustrated because you're far more intelligent than I will ever be, in very different ways, which is harder to understand than if you were more intelligent in a similar fashion. You're that too, though, which is just as annoying; that you don't want to write, that that is not your ambition, and yet you're more skilled at it than I am. And it's all I've ever wanted to do, really. You're talented in far too many areas, which makes people like me feel eversoslightly crap, in comparison.

I admire you a ridiculous amount. I admire your talent and your drive, I admire how much you manage to fit into your life, although I think perhaps it might be wise to cut back a bit occasionally. I admire (read: am awed by) the conversations you have with Ji, and sometimes feel obliged to avoid the both of you because clearly you must only be humoring me. I admire how grown up you are, but I would add to that a small warning: don't think you're done. Be careful not to think you're done. Sometimes it seems like you have plans for the rest of your life, for precisely how it's going to go, and that's just as dangerous as the opposite. Keep an open mind. I admire the way you play Lucifer, and am frequently utterly lost in the conversations he has with Aziraphael, although I do wish they happened more often.

I also think you're gorgeous. ;)

I like you, but I'm intimidated by you. But I like you. I think that's the main thing, really. The overwhelming part. You make me happy.

♥

You have no idea how much it means to me that you were prepared to say this.

No idea.

I'm starting to realise that overstructuring is my major flaw not only in poetry and fic but in life, but it's control, and you know how much that means. It'll take me a while to move past my need for a tight grip on where I'm going and how everything fits.

I should tell you more how much I love your writing, but there are some people for whom I find it very difficult to capture exactly what it is that I adore in their style. You're one of them. This is a bad thing, because I don't comment as much as I should.

Thank you for this, Nny. I'm in the kind of mood where I need to hear these things.

right then. with the honest opinion.

the positive: on an intellectual level, i feel we connect extremely well 90% of the time. which makes for great conversation. i also trust you entirely - with information, to do what is best for me, to tell me the truth.
these would be the reasons why you're my best friend. because we think similarly and are thus extremely combatible, and also because you have honour when it comes to people.

the negative: you're very egocentric. i won't say selfish, because when you DO think of others you do the right thing by them; the problem is you often entirely fail to notice the needs/opinions/circumstances of others. and i think that's related to the second issue - while we connect intellectually we totally don't emotionally 90% of the time. as a very passionate and, at times, irrationally emotional person, it's at times challenging to understand/deal with the way you entirely divorce yourself of any natural human feeling. i think both these issues stem from a severe lack of empathy. while that may sound nasty, i don't think it's incurable - and i think that while you are brilliant in every academic field, you shouldn't use that as a justification for failing to address the issues you KNOW you have with relating to, understanding and empathising with others.

so you're the best of friends to talk to, to theorise with, to work with, to whine about life with. but i think it's sad that you can't extend your awesome personality traits to being someone to cry with or share feelings with. but that said: i consider the most important traits in a friend to be trust, understanding and intelligence, all of which you are abundant in. so if you never change a jot i'll be hanging around nevertheless. ^__^

*blinks*

Oh, man, this opinion thing was such a good idea.

You're MY best friend because you are not afraid to beat me over the head with the things I'm not bothered to (and quite frankly, kind of terrified to) fix about myself. Right now I feel like if I let go of my control of ANYTHING I am going to drop the strings, which I kind of suspect I shouldn't be feeling two weeks into the year, but that's me.

I will work on it. I will. I promise.

Also, you used the word 'honour', and that made me so pleased :)

*retracts cudgel*

AWWWWWW. *hugs for frar* like i said - you don't need to work on it for me to be all friendsies with you. but i merely suggest your perfectionist tendencies be directed slightly more towards actual flaws rather than areas (eg. writing, knowing, spending - or lack thereof) where you are already rather extraordinarily flawless.

no string dropping. really. take a step back and be like "WHOAH, i achieved more than any sane person should be able to today" whenever it gets overwhelming. working 25 hours/ week + uni has made me feel rather string-droppy myself a few times lately, and that helps. remember we love you and come for hugs when you need it. hugs are good.

We never had that girly chat over exciting Red Gecko lunch. We should do that! Soon!

(Irrelevant icon that never, ever fails to amuse me.)

I would totally be up for this if CFS wasn't kicking my ass and brain so badly lately. So I'll just make some points, everyone loves asterisks!

* While I admire your intelligence and drive to excel in matters of the mind, I also sometimes wonder if you're scared of your emotions and what they might do to you and your academic abilities.

* I think you have the potential to be one of the most brilliant scientific/academic minds in the world.

* I think you need to give yourself more time to relax and be stupid. You don't always have to be perfect, you certainly don't have to impress the world 100% of the time. Chasing friends around while wearing bunny slippers and a towel on your head and squealing about movies and ~~boys~~ people etc doesn't make you a bad person, kaythx?

* Your ambition, and your commitment to your writing, are truly impressive and I honestly believe they're going to take you to some amazing places. This is awfully similar to asterisk number two, but it's my brainfog so I don't care!

* You're a good person to chat with. You're not someone I've ever felt awkward around with, in that I never know what to say or there's ever any kind of awkward silence. This is a good thing. Your communication skills are tres excellent.

...yeah that's it, I ran out of steam. *zonks*

What you said about communication? I needed to know that. Because it's something I worry about.

What you said about being scared of what'll happen to my rationality if I let go? I think you may be right. I feel like people have a balance between reason and emotion and as soon as I let the scale start to even itself out I'll lose something.

Thank you for making the effort, dearie :D Give the CFS beast a feeble kick from me.

Okay, I'm really bad at these things because I find it difficult sometimes to formulate into words exactly what it is I think about other people, especially people I'm close to. Silly, huh? Given how much I write. But I tend to just rely on my feelings and not analyse them too much in these situations.

But, since you asked; I will do my best.

I sometimes feel... mm. Out-classed. We're both people who value our marks and-- I don't know about you, but for me this is certainly true-- use them to guage my/our own intelligence. What makes it worse, I think, is that I feel like I should be capable of more if only I could force myself to do better, and you have the discipline that I lack. So I guess I get envious of that. On the other hand, though, as Nny and Tink said-- sometimes you need to let go of that control and that discipline.

Sometimes you can be ego-centric. Sometimes, I feel like you're too busy for me or that you've got better things to do than talk to me. (Not often, though.) Sometimes you calculate things too much; say something to or do something for someone to achieve something else.

But on the whole: you've been there for me every time I'm really down and need to talk to someone, and you do things to help cheer me up if you can. You're fun to talk to and you're always really good about beta-ing or soundboarding for me. I like that I can talk about really trivial things or really serious things with you. I trust you. And most importantly, I LIKE you. You're a really important friend to me.

Somehow this doesn't really convey what I quite want it to convey. Oh well.

Whereas I am the overanalyst extraordinaire *grins* Thank you, though.

I honestly do not have as much discipline as people think. I put off. I'm lazy. I panic. I have days like today where nothing will make my brain move above a crawl and I am terrified that I'll never be clever again.

*icons!*

So, I'm going to do my best to make this coherent and not ramble, but, uh, don't expect too much:

Honestly, I feel almost the same way Nny does in that I am just blown away by how smart you are and anytime I talk to you I just have this HUGE fear that I am simply just a little buzzing fly you put up with. Like Nny said, I just don't think I can have the kind of conversations you and Ji have--as much as I want to--because I just don't know enough to be interesting.

I also cannot believe that you don't want to be a writer (which how I feel about another friend of mine) because you are so amazing at it and it quite honestly makes me horribly jealous, but also in constant awe. I have this weird conundrum where I want to RP with you but am so afraid because you are just so much smarter than I am.

I must say though, even though you are so incredibly intelligent, you are seldom haughtier than thou about it, which I do like about you, but I think like Nny said, you're demanding, and I sometimes feel I could never be the kind of friend you really want, but will always be at this odd fringe of 'acquaintance'. But that could just be my insecurities.

Above all though, I consider you a friend. A good one. I love talking to you because even though you are infinitely more intelligent than I, you are still an incredibly nice person. Honestly. And when I talk to you, you do make me rather happy. And YES, I PROMISE that one day I WILL watch BSG.

I just hope this all made sense and did not come out as rude or offensive, because I didn't mean it that way at all.

Not rude and offensive at all, I promise :)

I'm not sure what I can do to relieve your insecurities except remind you that I DO like talking to you, and RPing with you, and I wish I had the time to do both more often.

And I am really looking forward to you watching BSG because you're great fun to discuss movies and TV with, and you come up with interesting fic ideas, and I am anticipating some AMAZING graphics *grins*

*clears throat, pulls out extensive dossier file*

I'm not sure how much there is to say that I haven't already said. You already know I think you're intelligent - hell I was introducing you to people as a "super genius" on the second day I knew you.

If I was the same age as you I think, like villainny, I would be quite intimidated by you. Actually, no I wouldn't, probably just jealous of your "mad academic skills" – as I am now. I really admire your drive. I wonder what it actually is that drives you.

I think you have a great sense of humour, great taste in friends, music, intellectual pursuits etc. We share a lot in terms of stuff we like - and the commonalities pretty much end there, our personalities are almost exactly opposite. That's not a bad thing at all since I usually dislike people who are too similar to me, I feel like my niche is being invaded.

I can't quite figure out is what is going on up in that head of yours. I'm used to people with very little filtering system between their limbic systems and their mouths. I'm always slightly weirded out by non-open books and I get the urge to ask them heaps of sticky questions and psycho-analyse them into oblivion. I’d really like to get to know you better.

I worry that you'll confuse intellectual interest for love and end up in a career you hate or find unfulfilling. That is where getting more in touch with your emotions may come in handy. I have said this before: find something you love and stick to it. You're worrying about scholarships and so on when I think you should be more concerned with finding your passion. It will mean this difference between your inevitable achievements being merely plaques on the wall and being truly happy, between being above average and being great. No pressure or anything.

In conclusion: Freya is cool. Oh and sexy, very very sexy and obsequious, purple and clairvoyant – no wait I’m just channelling Steve Martin now – but definitely those first two things.

I must admit I've been worried about intellectual interest vs. love as well, but this infectious diseases stuff has just kind of exploded gleefully and I'm doing all the optional reading and wishing the course was longer. I've never felt like that about a course before.

That could be a good sign. The test will be whether you enjoy the discovery process that went towards writing all those readings you have been enjoying. Or more to the point does your desire to solve a problem in the field outweight all the boring bits of the discovery process.

I think infectious diseases sounds perfect for you though, especially if you end up in a job like in those books I told you about. It has so many different aspects to keep you interested: genetics, biochem, immunology, diagnostics and so on.

I don't know you well enough to have negative things to say.

How sad.

We should be closer, so I can criticize you!

I admire you an awful lot, though. You're driven in a way that I have never been, and you finish things, which is a real problem I have. I have started about 20 fics and poems and original essays, but I never bloody finish them.

Sigh.

Anyway.

You have the bravery to finish them. To step up to the plate and write them, when I am mired in doubt. So, yeah, I admire that. :)

We should! Because I place weight on the things that you say, and you perceptions of my negative qualities would mean a lot.

Sekrit: for everything I finish there are about seven unfinished things languishing somewhere. I require Great Poking or a brief period of frenzied writing to finish things.

Thankya :)

Same as for Ji, really--I wish I knew you better. But I admire what I do know.

Sadly, I cannot criticize you. Um. HOW DARE YOU HAVE SUCH DIRTY FINGERNAILS?!

I don't know. Sorry!

*CRIEZ OMG*

HOW DID YOU KNOW? I AM SHAMED BY MY FILTY FINGERNAILS. DEEPLY SHAMED.

I really don`t know you as much as I wish I could, but what I think of you, from someone that doesn`t know you very well:

You`re intelligent. Academically you can formulate and understand complicated concepts. You can store them and apply them correctly at relevant times.
Socially you can put this to great use by applying them to witty jokes and making people laugh.

You hold back. Both in the good way and the bad. You think about others and yourself at times and `mask` yourself shall I put it.

You give yourself up. You never leave enough time for yourself and give it all to other people. This stresses you out, but gives you comfort to know that you`re capable of running things and helping others. However the stress fills you up sometimes.

You`d be there. And because of all that I`ve stated above you`d be there for someone that you care about. You would give yourself up, mask what you`re feeling, and use that intelligence to solve what you feel is best for the person.

I`m sorry if I`ve stated something awfully wrong, but this is how I feel. We`ve all got flaws. THey can also be what makes us human and shine. You`re a gorgeous girl.
lots of love

I tend to think of myself as a selfish person, so I suppose it's good to be reminded sometimes that I burn out doing things for others as well. Thanks, Mars. You're good at saying the right thing. I MISS SEEING YOU.

Hm. I'll try.

I'm awed by you. When the day has been long, and the theatre students have been especially idiotic, I look at you and I'm furious that you are so much younger and as just plain brilliant as you are. You're just so...smart. Without having to work hard at sculpting your words into their real meaning. It passes in an instant because then, I'm just so proud in that way one has when you know someone that succeeds well. 'I know that girl, and man. She can expound for hours, and I'm still interested.'

And there are other times I read your writing, and I am furious at you because why are you wasting this talent? You're an artist. You could be one of the best. Our very best. You would stand on the backs of giants and say 'I shall devour you body and soul' and the world would say 'please, madame, may we have some more?'. My jobs during the summer normally require me to read script after script of drivel, boring pseudo-intellectual clap trap that is supposed to be funny but gets stuck halfway between here and China. It breaks my heart in places because you, and so many of you, I know would write something interesting that I know I would want to see staged, but you don't. And then I don't have it to offer and read and SHOW THE WORLD, and that makes me angry and heartsick.

Then, I remember I have a horrible bias and can't relate to a world that wants things other than cardboard moons and a romantic sense of tragedy. Because I know, if I was forced into the hospital, I'd want you or someone like you to be my doctor. Who'd be exactly what I think a doctor should be: brilliant, professional, and challenged because my white blood cells hate all doctor types, deep deep down. And it makes me hope that you don't change, just grow.

Because I know a you three years down the road would terrify me even more but it would make me so incredibly proud to know I saw you grow into your own shoes and your own intellect.

And it makes me hope that you don't change, just grow

*just speechless*

Feather. Wow. That means so much. And you have just made me SO DETERMINED to finish the one-act I'm working on and post it for general delectation. Yes. Because alongside the half of me that would love to kick the ass of your white blood cells is someone who has never quite let go of the stage. Cardboard moons are important. I think they've VERY important.

I'll join the chorus of "I wish I knew you better". I develop attachments to the people on my friendslist even after we no longer seem to share fandoms (or are insanely busy, both of which seem to be the case here *G*) and it's a bit sad to realize we don't talk much... excluding the recent random spam on your LJ. You make me want to watch BSG (or was it BGS? something!) just so I can read your fic, because it is your fic and therefore stuff of sheer Quality.

This is the section where I ramble on about your poetry and how awesome it is. Because it is poetry that doesn't suck and is in fact quite wonderful and it fills me with awe that someone around my age is capable of consistently blowing me away. I die of envy, because there is something so simple and clean about a poem, a release I cannot find in prose, and yet I can't write poetry for the life of me. Mmmnope.

I don't feel that I'm in a position to offer advice, or offer concrit on your life. (Hee, concrit.) What to do that isn't just heaping praise at your feet? Well, I'll speak as someone who wears her heart on her sleeve--should you heed what others have said and decide to become a little bit more open, sometimes it will hurt like hell. Sometimes it will bring you to your knees. But I have never regretted being the sort of person I am. Even when I felt bitter and said I did, in the core of me I knew otherwise. Which isn't to say that you'd become exactly like me, because that would be peculiar and anyway I think our emotions are structured differently, but just so's you know. If you want to open up, it's worth it. But um, I like your mind because it is so different from mine, and I'm not quite sure if my nattering makes any sense at this point.

Reading how you feel about your favorite music makes me happy inside. Also, Shakespeare! ♥

You're pretty cool, kiddo. :D

I have never stopped wanting to know you in real life. I have a feeling we would get on FAMOUSLY, lack of shared fandoms or no. And omgomgyes, I want you to see BSG for similar reasons that I've been pressing it on Caleb - your brain would produce the most amazing stuff. (And you'd make icons. I am shallow.)

I must admit I am sometimes staggered by how MUCH you wear your heart on your sleeve. Envious, but staggered. I couldn't do it. You live so openly. And yes - I like that we're different in that respect.

Oh man, we would have such fun in RL. For one thing, I would get to meet my hair color twin! *G* I really will have to look into studying abroad in Australia for my junior year. And that show you like, because the shiny sounds interesting. :D

Oh hooray, you managed to make some sense out of that disjointed paragraph. *G* I don't even know what I quite meant to say. Yeah, I am pretty much an open book. *L* It's an interesting way of life.

:O I no longer have Mary Sue hair! But no matter. We shall always be hairtwins IN SPIRIT.

Oooh! Yes! Come here! The ANU does all sorts of exchange programs, as far as I know.

I'm not very good at these things, especially when I haven't known the person that long, but in general I enjoy you very much, Fahye. Your writing can't be mentioned enough - I honestly think you're one of the best fic writers I've read in a LONG time, and certainly up there with the best in BSG fandom (

brynnmck,

voleuse, Claira and Pen, etc.). The few times we've talked on IM have been great. And yeah, the only thing I can really say about you is that I'd love to know you better, because I'm a fan of what I've seen so far.

I am really pleased you commented, because I think first impressions/early stages of a friendship can produce opinions that are both unique and no less important than those of people who have been hanging around my virtual space for years. So thank you.

And I value your opinion in and of itself because of what I've seen of you. That you like my writing means so much. And I've never felt myself to be 'up there with the best' in any fandom before, so...wow :D

This is the only one I plan to respond to tonight because otherwise I shan't sleep. Anyone who's not Fahye, you are an old-entry troller . . . or an archaeologist. I find this mildly frightening!

Anyway.

I like Tink's positive/negative idea, but I'm going to reverse it because . . . because I said so.

Negative: Yes, there's often a sense that everything is about you. Your classes, your trials, your workload, your insecurities, your problems. You'll notice that this is a list of tribulations; this is because you are very pragmatic about your accomplishments. Which are really, really not few. But you seem to focus more on the negative in your life. Relatedly, I do believe that you have a somewhat distorted sense of proportion. It's not that this hasn't made you successful -- because it has, and will continue to do so -- but it's not healthy for you and also frequently prevents you from enjoying yourself and exploring. And the pressure will give you a~~nother~~ tumour someday soon. Before your time. You don't really know how to let go. What's more, (as far as I know) you're not even sure that you want to.

Positive: Although, as above, you can sometimes seem selfish or distant, it's like Mari said. You actually try very hard -- harder than most -- to take care of others. Even those who aren't close to you, necessarily. I'm sure that those who only know you in your leadership capacity have no idea just how hard you work. But you really do your best. I don't think that I've ever known you to be intentionally selfish or otherwise cruel. And you frequently go out of your way to brighten things a bit for someone who's having a bad day, even when you can't really afford the time. I refer here to your practice of gifting people with little drabbles or icons or things because I don't know you IRL. ;) But it does count.

In terms of talent, you do have amazing, raw potential. Train it. I know that you haven't had time, and it's impressive that you manage to write at all. But you're one of the best we have, like Feather said. And yet for all that you're a diamond in the rough, for lack of a better phrase, and if you don't attend to the polishing then eventually, through the process of age, you will cease to be promising and merely be stagnant. Undeveloped. You know that it's important. Art and music and language and all that -- they mean so much to you. You can be moved by things. You are. Please don't forget that. You're not as heartless or emotionless as you think.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

really, I just like the word 'melancholy'

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