Hephaestion's thighs

[fahye]

So, today I saw Alexander. And there's really no way I can tell you about it except in dodgy m15m style, so that's what it's going to be. I expect cleolinda to do a much better version than me. Because OMG SO MOCKABLE.

Er, I did actually really like it, though probably because I know nothing about the history involved and also because I like most movies that haven't got Drew Barrymore in them. I'm not fussy.



This doesn't really represent the ENTIRE movie, just those bits I felt worth commenting on.

The Greatest Hits of Alexander The Great, OR, Everybody Wants A Piece Of Alex

~

Young Alex: *actually looks a HELL of a lot like Colin Farrell, and can even passably act*

Casting: *have my respect*

~

Oliver Stone: Due to public pressure, we had to tone down the bisexual element.

Aristotle: THE LOVE BETWEEN MEN CAN BE PURE. IE, ACHILLES AND HIS *LOVER* PATROCLUS. SUCK ON THAT, WOLFGANG PETERSON.

OS: You know, so as not to offend people.

Alexander and Hephaestion: *declare their undying love for each other*

OS: Even though there was GREAT HISTORICAL EVIDENCE. *bitches righteously*

A&H: *many, many times*

OS: So we didn't show any kissing or anything like that.

A&H: *make googly eyes, cling to each other, give each other sensual massages*

OS: Um. Yeah. The only sex scene we show is with a WOMAN!

Hephaestion: *gives Alexander a ring which he keeps forever-and-ever despite ire of Princess Boobs*

OS: And you know. He gets married. Three times!

Old Voiceover Ptolemy: And he had his wish, which was to join Hephaestion after death and be with him forever!

OS: All right.

~

If Further Evidence Is Required:

A garden *is full of houris and harem girls*

Alexander: *zooms in on solitary Raven Haired Man Whore (RHMW)*

*who then appears to be his personal sex slave for the rest of the movie*

*and does the most suggestive mostly-naked dance EVER*

*upon which Alexander kisses him*

OS: *facepalm*

The camera: *absolutely LOVES the RHMW, and gives us more footage of him than half the main characters*

Alexander: *crawls into bed naked, with RHMW hovering nearby*

RHMW: *pouts, looks sultry*

Alexander: *beckons from the bed*

RHWM: *extinguishes light*

Fans: Can we say FADE TO BLACK?

OS: *books one-way flight to Canada*

~

Princess Boobs: *holds knife to Alexander's throat when he tries to have sex with her*

Alexander: Go on. Do it. *smirks*

Princess Boobs: *eventually drops knife and submits to mackage*

(Fahye: *resists urge to make Mack The Knife jokes*)

Audience: *has deja vu*

Wolfgang Peterson: HEY!

~

The battle scenes: *are confusing like whoa*

Blood: *spurts*

Dust: *is everywhere*

Helpful Subtitles: *point out which army we're focusing on at the moment*

We: *are still confused*

~

Jonathon Rhys-Meyers: *looks far, far too good in a miniskirt*

J R-M: *is pretty*

J R-M: *kisses Alexander, though only when drunk*

J R-M: *is really quite INSANELY pretty*

J R-M: *also snooty*

Costuming: *gives up on all pretense at masculinity...*

J R-M: *appears wearing only a red sheet that exposes half his chest, gold face glitter, and a pout. I kid you not*

Casting: *can have my babies*

~

Throughout The Movie:

Alexander's hair: *growses!*

Hephaestion's eyeliner: *multiplies*

~

The continuity: *is screwed five ways past Sunday, with flashbacks and sudden jumps and whatnow*

Old Voiceover Ptolemy: *attempts to deconfuse the audience*

Helpful Subtitles: *help him with that*

However, The Best Way To Keep Track: *is Alexander's hair!*

~

One Of The Generals: *has the broadest Scottish Accent EVER*

Fahye: *breaks into giggles whenever he speaks*

~

The writing: *is in ENGLISH, with GREEK lettering, which is so fucked up it's hilarious*

~

Elephants: *trample horseys*

People on elephants: *shoot arrows*

Peter Jackson: HEY!

~

Everyone in the movie EVER, including his mother: *hits on Alexander*

Alexander: CANNOT COPE. OFF TO MORDOR HADES.

~

In conclusion: GAY GAY GAY GAY lots of snakes GAY GAY GAY pretty Babylon GAY GAY GAY.

The end.

~

ETA: Now that I have been metaquoted (!) I'd better add this, in case people missed it at the top. Movies in Fifteen Minutes? So not mine. All cleolinda's. This was just me using the format because it seemed like a fun way to summarise. Also, this is sketchy as all hell and probably more like Alexander In Five And A Half Minutes.

Are we clear? Good :)

Comments

[tammaiya.livejournal.com]

*DIES* You are LOVE. So Alexander cheats on H with RHWM? XD

[miscellanny.livejournal.com]

Nny: *metaquotes*

[fahye.livejournal.com]

Fahye: *gasps* *worries that she has committed hideous copyright infringement*

[spike-phoenix.livejournal.com]

Here from MQ, and.. bwahahaha!

[layered.livejournal.com]

XD Found you from metaquotes.

Very hilarious.

By the way, just so you know, the Raven Haired Man Whore is named Bagoas. :D He's a eunuch, he was real, he has a book about him. He was Alexander's concubine/lover/eunuch type of guy. According to Renault and popular opinion, anyway.

(I'm a fan of his.)

[fahye.livejournal.com]

You and the director, it would seem! :)

*bows to actual historical knowledge*

[layered.livejournal.com]

Bwaha, it would seem that Oliver Stone shares my appreciation of the pretty eunuch types..

[shezan.livejournal.com]

The icon! <3333

[layered.livejournal.com]

XD Thanks, I made it.. couldn't resist, and I had ABBA stuck in my head for a week straight afterward.

[shezan.livejournal.com]

I had ABBA stuck in my head for a week straight afterward

The things we suffer for Art!

[http://users.livejournal.com/_finn_/]

Loveitloveitloveit

When I first saw Princess Boobs at the wedding I thought

"Man she's pretty hot. For a tent."

And woah. I was most impressed at the Young Colin Farrel casting. He even had the eyebrows down! (Granted, the hair still looked like a permed ferret...)

And I was under the impression that the RHMW was actually a eunuch.. Cause why would he be in the harem filled with girls otherwise? (Mind you, that doesn't stop him being all MWy with Alexander...)

And at times, the only way I could differentiate between RHMW and H, was the eyeliner.

[elizabeyta.livejournal.com]

odd question but how do you know what a permed ferret looks like?

[shezan.livejournal.com]

You don't perm your ferret??? Fie.

[shezan.livejournal.com]

RHMW is Bagoas the eunuch, a historical character (he's mentioned as Alexander's favourite in both Curtius and Plutarch) who is the narrator of Mary Renault's wonderful The Persian Boy. Curtius tells how he used to be Darius's favourite, and was given as a present to Alexander by a Persian general, Nazarbanes, both to sweeten him up and so that the boy could give evidence about Darius's last days. The boy then was with Almexander as far as India - which is where the dancing contest we see in the movie occurs, with the Macedonians shouting good-naturedly to Alexander to kiss him, according to Plutarch, so it's obvious his status with the king was quite well-known. Both scenes are in Renault but Stone copped out of the first one and set the first Alexander/Bagoas meeting in Babylon, which is historically false.

And, eyeliner on Hephaestion? SO not true. Every one of his statues shows him as supermuscular Macedonian officer, with hair shorter than Alexander's mullet.

[not-in-denial.livejournal.com]

Possibly I need to see this movie. I've been craving some good gay recently.

[buymeaclue.livejournal.com]

Gay? Vaguely. Good? No, no, no.

[anotherdream.livejournal.com]

Contrary to popular opinion, I though it was good, and gay, and good gay. You really need to see it to make up your mind, I guess. :) I'd recommend checking it out, if you're interested in the least.

[shezan.livejournal.com]

Bad gay, but enjoyable in a sick, sick way...

[yaymatt.livejournal.com]

hilarious!

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

So, so true...

Got here via metaquotes and want to friend you now. May I? May I?

[fahye.livejournal.com]

Sure, go right ahead :)

*flattered*

[frozenwithin.livejournal.com]

PMSL - oh I love it *claps*

[thecaelum.livejournal.com]

OMG! *dies laughing*

This was, I think, one of the best reviews of Alexander. Hee.

[http://users.livejournal.com/caeru_/]

*snarfs on soda*

This was Teh Funniest Recap of Alexander Evah(tm)

*links to it in own journal*

*also reads through rest of your journal, decides you are a verily amusing person and friends you, stat*

[erinlin.livejournal.com]

Now I shall see it for the Hoyeay alone. ^_^

[kokopellinelli]

I, like one or two people before me, came here from metaquotes and wish to friend you. So there.

(if you would rather I didn't, I can remove you, yaddayadda).

[fahye.livejournal.com]

No, sure, that's fine.

[demented-pants.livejournal.com]

Pleasepleaseplease can I steal your icon?

[kokopellinelli]

http://www.columbia-center.org/watersoflethe/icons/ljicons.htm

Sure. I didn't make it. You'll find more like it at the link above...just be sure to credit Proverb.

[anotherdream.livejournal.com]

I cometh from metaquotes.

Best. Summary. Of. Alexander. EVER. And I really mean that. I kept going "dude, so right, why didn't I notice that!" in utter agreement with every line.

*proclaims undying love, for both you and the movie*

And yeah, gay, not bi, I had great theories/interpretation and long-winded evidence about this.

[corialis.livejournal.com]

OS: All right.

Even the director is powerless in the face of the epic gay.

Though do you happen to have any explanation for how despite the fact that they are all supposedly from the same country, no one in Alexander's entourage has the same accent? *g* Because I can't find anyone who does.

[shezan.livejournal.com]

Oliver Stone said in interviews that allthe Macedonians had "regional", i.e. Scots, Irish, etc. accents as a contrast with the Greeks who all spoke movie-posh English like Christopher Plummer!Aristotle.

Alexander = The Sound of Music

[fahye.livejournal.com]

*crows*

I saw his name in the credits and had NO idea who he played.

[corialis.livejournal.com]

Hm.

I wonder if it was actually intentional or he just realized too late that he didn't want to be bothered trying to make them all do the same accent so he made that up as an excuse.

THMW

[shezan.livejournal.com]

Was pointed here by selenak and you are a GENIUS!

*scoots off to rec in own LJ*

[triestine.livejournal.com]

*splutter*

Thank you. Thank you. I'll go watch the film now.

[damanique.livejournal.com]

Here from metaquotes. This is hilarious. XD

I think they need a new movie genre for 'hot half-naked man meat running around chasing eachother with a greek/roman-theme sauce and some army action veggies thrown in to fool the homophobes it's not about mansex'.

[lilnik.livejournal.com]

Dude. So hilarious. And sadly, so much better than the actual movie. Not enough gay for me.

[kcdl.livejournal.com]

That is some funny shit. Great stuff.

[chainer-morgana.livejournal.com]

rotfl! i loved it! it's incredibly real! tnx to post it!

[irradiatedsoup.livejournal.com]

Hee. An aside? Cleolinda did not invent that recapping style, she just added the phrase Movies in Fifteen Minutes to the start of them, so I think you're safe.

[fahye.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I know :) But the way I carried it out was pretty much inspired by her, as I said at the beginning, so I figured it was better just to acknowledge that.

Also? Your icon?

*squees like mad*

[silmaril.livejournal.com]

OK, I now a) have tears in my eyes... from laughing, and b) actually want to see the movie, to be able to laugh more. Thanks.

(Here from metaquotes, too.)

[pentha.livejournal.com]

El Oh El!

btw Stone didn't take the elephant battle from Lotr, it's one of Alexander's most important historical battles ^^
And the part where Pricess Boobs Roxane tries to kill him is from an ancient fictional book.
/geek