Hephaestion's thighs

[fahye]

So, today I saw Alexander. And there's really no way I can tell you about it except in dodgy m15m style, so that's what it's going to be. I expect cleolinda to do a much better version than me. Because OMG SO MOCKABLE.

Er, I did actually really like it, though probably because I know nothing about the history involved and also because I like most movies that haven't got Drew Barrymore in them. I'm not fussy.



This doesn't really represent the ENTIRE movie, just those bits I felt worth commenting on.

The Greatest Hits of Alexander The Great, OR, Everybody Wants A Piece Of Alex

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Young Alex: *actually looks a HELL of a lot like Colin Farrell, and can even passably act*

Casting: *have my respect*

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Oliver Stone: Due to public pressure, we had to tone down the bisexual element.

Aristotle: THE LOVE BETWEEN MEN CAN BE PURE. IE, ACHILLES AND HIS *LOVER* PATROCLUS. SUCK ON THAT, WOLFGANG PETERSON.

OS: You know, so as not to offend people.

Alexander and Hephaestion: *declare their undying love for each other*

OS: Even though there was GREAT HISTORICAL EVIDENCE. *bitches righteously*

A&H: *many, many times*

OS: So we didn't show any kissing or anything like that.

A&H: *make googly eyes, cling to each other, give each other sensual massages*

OS: Um. Yeah. The only sex scene we show is with a WOMAN!

Hephaestion: *gives Alexander a ring which he keeps forever-and-ever despite ire of Princess Boobs*

OS: And you know. He gets married. Three times!

Old Voiceover Ptolemy: And he had his wish, which was to join Hephaestion after death and be with him forever!

OS: All right.

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If Further Evidence Is Required:

A garden *is full of houris and harem girls*

Alexander: *zooms in on solitary Raven Haired Man Whore (RHMW)*

*who then appears to be his personal sex slave for the rest of the movie*

*and does the most suggestive mostly-naked dance EVER*

*upon which Alexander kisses him*

OS: *facepalm*

The camera: *absolutely LOVES the RHMW, and gives us more footage of him than half the main characters*

Alexander: *crawls into bed naked, with RHMW hovering nearby*

RHMW: *pouts, looks sultry*

Alexander: *beckons from the bed*

RHWM: *extinguishes light*

Fans: Can we say FADE TO BLACK?

OS: *books one-way flight to Canada*

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Princess Boobs: *holds knife to Alexander's throat when he tries to have sex with her*

Alexander: Go on. Do it. *smirks*

Princess Boobs: *eventually drops knife and submits to mackage*

(Fahye: *resists urge to make Mack The Knife jokes*)

Audience: *has deja vu*

Wolfgang Peterson: HEY!

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The battle scenes: *are confusing like whoa*

Blood: *spurts*

Dust: *is everywhere*

Helpful Subtitles: *point out which army we're focusing on at the moment*

We: *are still confused*

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Jonathon Rhys-Meyers: *looks far, far too good in a miniskirt*

J R-M: *is pretty*

J R-M: *kisses Alexander, though only when drunk*

J R-M: *is really quite INSANELY pretty*

J R-M: *also snooty*

Costuming: *gives up on all pretense at masculinity...*

J R-M: *appears wearing only a red sheet that exposes half his chest, gold face glitter, and a pout. I kid you not*

Casting: *can have my babies*

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Throughout The Movie:

Alexander's hair: *growses!*

Hephaestion's eyeliner: *multiplies*

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The continuity: *is screwed five ways past Sunday, with flashbacks and sudden jumps and whatnow*

Old Voiceover Ptolemy: *attempts to deconfuse the audience*

Helpful Subtitles: *help him with that*

However, The Best Way To Keep Track: *is Alexander's hair!*

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One Of The Generals: *has the broadest Scottish Accent EVER*

Fahye: *breaks into giggles whenever he speaks*

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The writing: *is in ENGLISH, with GREEK lettering, which is so fucked up it's hilarious*

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Elephants: *trample horseys*

People on elephants: *shoot arrows*

Peter Jackson: HEY!

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Everyone in the movie EVER, including his mother: *hits on Alexander*

Alexander: CANNOT COPE. OFF TO MORDOR HADES.

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In conclusion: GAY GAY GAY GAY lots of snakes GAY GAY GAY pretty Babylon GAY GAY GAY.

The end.

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ETA: Now that I have been metaquoted (!) I'd better add this, in case people missed it at the top. Movies in Fifteen Minutes? So not mine. All cleolinda's. This was just me using the format because it seemed like a fun way to summarise. Also, this is sketchy as all hell and probably more like Alexander In Five And A Half Minutes.

Are we clear? Good :)