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EUJARNIEEEEEE
Beta-ing, please! Angst is all well and fine, but I may be going sliiiightly overboard here ^_^;;
"Tsuzuki?"
"Hmm?"
"When I was…looking. At your memories."
"Yes?" He's trying to sound casual, but it's not working very well. He wants to bring up something important. I hope it isn't the guilt issue again.
"That time with Surgatanus… what did you mean by the wings not being a coincidence?"
Ah. I think I'd have preferred the guilt.
"The wings were already there." I look sideways at the wall, trying to avoid his face.
"Already there?"
I take a deep breath. "That's what I said."
"Are you going to explain? Or…" His voice drops. "Can I look?"
"I'll explain." The emotions connected with this are very tangled. I don't want him getting mixed up in them just yet.
"It's something to do with –"
"With my heritage. Yes." Maybe if I speak bluntly it'll be easier. "Surgatanus didn't need to create wings when he was inhabiting my body. He just found them. And liked them." And added the remorse for their existence to every other load of guilt that he flooded my soul with.
"Found?" He reaches to touch me but I snatch my hand away. I can hear his confusion and dawning, horrified sympathy clearly enough in his voice without having it projected at me through touch as well.
"My body had the potential to become demon as well as human." Keep my voice flat and hopefully I won't have to think too much about what I'm saying. "When I was possessed by an actual demon it triggered the release of the wings."
"God…" I wonder if he knows he's got a hand over his mouth. "Didn't it – hurt?"
"Yes." This is so twisted, I realise suddenly. Why am I the one being cold and distant and he the one trying not to break into sobs?
Fuck you, Surgatanus. To whatever hell you belong to and back again. Fuck you for messing with me, with both of us.
"It hurt." And now I know why I'm being cold. Because there's no way I'm letting him feel that pain, on top of everything else. He has his own poisonous past, and more than a fair share of mine. He's not going to have this too.
It hurt the first time. But only the first time.
"You…"
Oh God. I'm not shielding my thoughts, am I? Just my emotions. Shit. Shit shit shit.
"You let them out again, didn't you?" Not even Hisoka Kurosaki can stay calm when I'm throwing this kind of memory at him, albeit unconsciously.
"Once," I whisper. "Only once. I had to know."
I had to know if I really was everything he said I was.
Hisoka takes a deep, shaky breath. "Okay. And it didn't hurt that time?"
"No." I shrug. It's easier to discuss this clinically. "I think it's like… an ear piercing. It hurts to have it done, but never after that."
"I understand."
And this time I do let him take my hand, and he carefully projects whatever comforting feelings he think will help me, and we sit in silence for a long while.
I was so convinced he wanted me to forget this, just like everything else, but it came out of nowhere.
"I think you should bring them out again."
"What?"
"I think you heard me, Tsuzuki."
"But they're –"
"No," he says firmly. "Not evil. Not ugly. They're a part of you," he pokes a finger into my chest, "and as such cannot be evil."
"Surgatanus –"
"Was evil."
Am I ever going to be able to finish a sentence?
"You're not. You never have been. And you need to realise that just because they mark you as different it doesn’t mean you have to hate them." His eyes stray down to his arms and although he's wearing a long shirt, as usual, I know what he's looking at. "That took me a long, long time to learn."
"I don't know…"
"I thought they were beautiful," he says abruptly, looking away. "I thought it was a pity that I would never get to see the Tsuzuki that I knew – the one whose eyes showed compassion rather than ruthlessness – with wings like that."
"So really, you're trying to convince me for your own aesthetic gratification," I say as dryly as I can manage.
He blushes and I can feel vaguely his absolute irritation at blushing. "Maybe. Partly"
"I don't know if I can do this."
"Please?"
"You just want to see me with my wings out," I accuse him.
"Yes." He appears to consider this for a while. "So?"
I splutter for a while. "But… Hisoka…"
"I think they're gorgeous," he repeats softly.
"I…"
"Please, Tsuzuki?" Damn his eyes. Damn them damn them damn them. Why do they have to be so huge? And so clear? And so…
"Stop that!"
"Stop what?" He keeps gazing at me imploringly and just a little outrageously.
I throw my hands in the air. "Why did I have to go and fall in love with such a bishounen?"
"You're usually the one batting your eyes at me," he points out reasonably. "It's such a good tactic, I thought I'd give it a try. Is it working?" More innocent staring.
It is. Bugger.
"No," I lie, turning my head firmly away.
Really?
Gah! I almost jump. Warning next time, please!
I really think you need to do this, Tsuzuki. His voice has turned serious, and he comes and kneels in front of me, conveniently planting the enormous glass-green eyes six inches from my face.
...cue sappy wings moment. wOOt.
If anyone else wants to give an opinion that would be really nice too, but as usual, don't look if you want to be spoilered for Shields, yada yada. No really bad spoilers for the series because it's me twisting canon unmercifully and making up large amounts of stuff for Tsuzuki to angst about. As if he hasn't got enough already... *hugs him*
[Edit: I'm so not posting another separate entry tonight and disclosing my pathetic compulsive-posting disorder to the world. So I'll shove this on the end here. Be warned. I'm in an alter-ego mood. Not all of the below information may be correct. Okay, I made up lots of it. You can work out which ones are me and which aren't and which are somewhere in between...
x. full name = Fahye Eliké Azzaran
x. birthday = 12/12/86
x. zodiac = Saggitarius
x. piercing = ears, two holes in each, bellybutton
x. tattoos = small dragon on my back
x. height = 168cm
x. shoe size = 9 ish
x. hair color = deep golden blonde
x. length = very long
x. siblings = one older brother
x. pets = none
last ...
x. movie you rented = can't remember
x. movie you bought = R&G Are Dead
x. song you listened to = Tommy Emmanuel - Classical Gas
x. song that was stuck in your head = Under Your Spell
x. song you've downloaded = possibly Lost Without You
x. cd you bought = no idea
x. cd you listened to = Buffy soundtrack
x. tv show you've watched = too long ago
x. person you were thinking of = ^_~
x. you have a bf or gf = of sorts
x. you have a crush on someone = absolutely
x. you wish you could live somewhere else = travel is good
x. you think about suicide = very rarely
x. others find you attractive = hell yeah
x. you want more tattoos = one is fine
x. you drink = when I feel like it
x. you do drugs = no fucking way
x. you like cleaning = no
x. you like roller coasters = *shrugs* they're alright
x. you write in cursive or print = print
x. you carry a donor card = no
what do you think about...
x. long distance relationships = bad idea
x. using someone = if they deserve it
x. suicide = cowardly
x. killing people = you don't want to know
x. teenage smoking = hey, their lungs
x. doing drugs = is not for me, I don't need drugs to have a good time
x. premarital sex = *snorts*
x. driving drunk = idiotic
x. gay/lesbian relationships = why the hell not?
x. soap operas = don't touch the things
favorite ...
x. food = chinese
x. song = mark knoppfler - what it is
x. thing to do = ...you want an HONEST answer? or shall I just say kareoke?
x. thing to talk about = music and food
x. sports = dancing and kickboxing
x. drinks = blackcurrant schnappes
x. clothes = tight, comfortable, sexy
x. movies = matrix, the saint, the newer james bond films
x. bands = evanescence, the corrs and dire straits
x. holiday = long summer ones
x. cars = motorbike
have you ...
x. ever cried over a girl or boy = I don't cry
x. ever lied to someone = definitely
x. ever been in a fist fight = yes
x. ever been arrested = it was a misunderstanding, alright?
what ...
x. shampoo do you use = sunsilk something
x. perfume do you use = don't use it
x. shoes do you wear = any of many
x. are you scared of = desertion and failure
how many..
x. times have you had your heart broken: once. I got over it.
x. hearts have you broken: one, I'm hoping, which is horrible but true
x. people have you kissed? two? possibly three?
x. continents have you lived in? two
x. drugs you've taken illegally? none. you can't put ME down for underage drinking.
x. people you would classify as true, could trust with your life type friends? five
x. people you consider your enemies? let's not go there
x. people from high school that you stayed in contact with? well now let's SEE shall we....
x. cd's do you own? far too many
x. what things in your past do you regret? very little
WHEW Fahye's in a bad mood tonight. I've been repressing her for a while, and she's feeling bitchy. I don't think I've been one person for quite this long EVER before.
"Tsuzuki?"
"Hmm?"
"When I was…looking. At your memories."
"Yes?" He's trying to sound casual, but it's not working very well. He wants to bring up something important. I hope it isn't the guilt issue again.
"That time with Surgatanus… what did you mean by the wings not being a coincidence?"
Ah. I think I'd have preferred the guilt.
"The wings were already there." I look sideways at the wall, trying to avoid his face.
"Already there?"
I take a deep breath. "That's what I said."
"Are you going to explain? Or…" His voice drops. "Can I look?"
"I'll explain." The emotions connected with this are very tangled. I don't want him getting mixed up in them just yet.
"It's something to do with –"
"With my heritage. Yes." Maybe if I speak bluntly it'll be easier. "Surgatanus didn't need to create wings when he was inhabiting my body. He just found them. And liked them." And added the remorse for their existence to every other load of guilt that he flooded my soul with.
"Found?" He reaches to touch me but I snatch my hand away. I can hear his confusion and dawning, horrified sympathy clearly enough in his voice without having it projected at me through touch as well.
"My body had the potential to become demon as well as human." Keep my voice flat and hopefully I won't have to think too much about what I'm saying. "When I was possessed by an actual demon it triggered the release of the wings."
"God…" I wonder if he knows he's got a hand over his mouth. "Didn't it – hurt?"
"Yes." This is so twisted, I realise suddenly. Why am I the one being cold and distant and he the one trying not to break into sobs?
Fuck you, Surgatanus. To whatever hell you belong to and back again. Fuck you for messing with me, with both of us.
"It hurt." And now I know why I'm being cold. Because there's no way I'm letting him feel that pain, on top of everything else. He has his own poisonous past, and more than a fair share of mine. He's not going to have this too.
It hurt the first time. But only the first time.
"You…"
Oh God. I'm not shielding my thoughts, am I? Just my emotions. Shit. Shit shit shit.
"You let them out again, didn't you?" Not even Hisoka Kurosaki can stay calm when I'm throwing this kind of memory at him, albeit unconsciously.
"Once," I whisper. "Only once. I had to know."
I had to know if I really was everything he said I was.
Hisoka takes a deep, shaky breath. "Okay. And it didn't hurt that time?"
"No." I shrug. It's easier to discuss this clinically. "I think it's like… an ear piercing. It hurts to have it done, but never after that."
"I understand."
And this time I do let him take my hand, and he carefully projects whatever comforting feelings he think will help me, and we sit in silence for a long while.
I was so convinced he wanted me to forget this, just like everything else, but it came out of nowhere.
"I think you should bring them out again."
"What?"
"I think you heard me, Tsuzuki."
"But they're –"
"No," he says firmly. "Not evil. Not ugly. They're a part of you," he pokes a finger into my chest, "and as such cannot be evil."
"Surgatanus –"
"Was evil."
Am I ever going to be able to finish a sentence?
"You're not. You never have been. And you need to realise that just because they mark you as different it doesn’t mean you have to hate them." His eyes stray down to his arms and although he's wearing a long shirt, as usual, I know what he's looking at. "That took me a long, long time to learn."
"I don't know…"
"I thought they were beautiful," he says abruptly, looking away. "I thought it was a pity that I would never get to see the Tsuzuki that I knew – the one whose eyes showed compassion rather than ruthlessness – with wings like that."
"So really, you're trying to convince me for your own aesthetic gratification," I say as dryly as I can manage.
He blushes and I can feel vaguely his absolute irritation at blushing. "Maybe. Partly"
"I don't know if I can do this."
"Please?"
"You just want to see me with my wings out," I accuse him.
"Yes." He appears to consider this for a while. "So?"
I splutter for a while. "But… Hisoka…"
"I think they're gorgeous," he repeats softly.
"I…"
"Please, Tsuzuki?" Damn his eyes. Damn them damn them damn them. Why do they have to be so huge? And so clear? And so…
"Stop that!"
"Stop what?" He keeps gazing at me imploringly and just a little outrageously.
I throw my hands in the air. "Why did I have to go and fall in love with such a bishounen?"
"You're usually the one batting your eyes at me," he points out reasonably. "It's such a good tactic, I thought I'd give it a try. Is it working?" More innocent staring.
It is. Bugger.
"No," I lie, turning my head firmly away.
Really?
Gah! I almost jump. Warning next time, please!
I really think you need to do this, Tsuzuki. His voice has turned serious, and he comes and kneels in front of me, conveniently planting the enormous glass-green eyes six inches from my face.
...cue sappy wings moment. wOOt.
If anyone else wants to give an opinion that would be really nice too, but as usual, don't look if you want to be spoilered for Shields, yada yada. No really bad spoilers for the series because it's me twisting canon unmercifully and making up large amounts of stuff for Tsuzuki to angst about. As if he hasn't got enough already... *hugs him*
[Edit: I'm so not posting another separate entry tonight and disclosing my pathetic compulsive-posting disorder to the world. So I'll shove this on the end here. Be warned. I'm in an alter-ego mood. Not all of the below information may be correct. Okay, I made up lots of it. You can work out which ones are me and which aren't and which are somewhere in between...
x. full name = Fahye Eliké Azzaran
x. birthday = 12/12/86
x. zodiac = Saggitarius
x. piercing = ears, two holes in each, bellybutton
x. tattoos = small dragon on my back
x. height = 168cm
x. shoe size = 9 ish
x. hair color = deep golden blonde
x. length = very long
x. siblings = one older brother
x. pets = none
last ...
x. movie you rented = can't remember
x. movie you bought = R&G Are Dead
x. song you listened to = Tommy Emmanuel - Classical Gas
x. song that was stuck in your head = Under Your Spell
x. song you've downloaded = possibly Lost Without You
x. cd you bought = no idea
x. cd you listened to = Buffy soundtrack
x. tv show you've watched = too long ago
x. person you were thinking of = ^_~
x. you have a bf or gf = of sorts
x. you have a crush on someone = absolutely
x. you wish you could live somewhere else = travel is good
x. you think about suicide = very rarely
x. others find you attractive = hell yeah
x. you want more tattoos = one is fine
x. you drink = when I feel like it
x. you do drugs = no fucking way
x. you like cleaning = no
x. you like roller coasters = *shrugs* they're alright
x. you write in cursive or print = print
x. you carry a donor card = no
what do you think about...
x. long distance relationships = bad idea
x. using someone = if they deserve it
x. suicide = cowardly
x. killing people = you don't want to know
x. teenage smoking = hey, their lungs
x. doing drugs = is not for me, I don't need drugs to have a good time
x. premarital sex = *snorts*
x. driving drunk = idiotic
x. gay/lesbian relationships = why the hell not?
x. soap operas = don't touch the things
favorite ...
x. food = chinese
x. song = mark knoppfler - what it is
x. thing to do = ...you want an HONEST answer? or shall I just say kareoke?
x. thing to talk about = music and food
x. sports = dancing and kickboxing
x. drinks = blackcurrant schnappes
x. clothes = tight, comfortable, sexy
x. movies = matrix, the saint, the newer james bond films
x. bands = evanescence, the corrs and dire straits
x. holiday = long summer ones
x. cars = motorbike
have you ...
x. ever cried over a girl or boy = I don't cry
x. ever lied to someone = definitely
x. ever been in a fist fight = yes
x. ever been arrested = it was a misunderstanding, alright?
what ...
x. shampoo do you use = sunsilk something
x. perfume do you use = don't use it
x. shoes do you wear = any of many
x. are you scared of = desertion and failure
how many..
x. times have you had your heart broken: once. I got over it.
x. hearts have you broken: one, I'm hoping, which is horrible but true
x. people have you kissed? two? possibly three?
x. continents have you lived in? two
x. drugs you've taken illegally? none. you can't put ME down for underage drinking.
x. people you would classify as true, could trust with your life type friends? five
x. people you consider your enemies? let's not go there
x. people from high school that you stayed in contact with? well now let's SEE shall we....
x. cd's do you own? far too many
x. what things in your past do you regret? very little
WHEW Fahye's in a bad mood tonight. I've been repressing her for a while, and she's feeling bitchy. I don't think I've been one person for quite this long EVER before.
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Completely and utterly NON canon. But who cares.
Sorry, the banter kind of slipped in ^_^ I've been away from Quindlemire for too long.
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