fahye | King Kong!

All right, I have two reactions to this movie. One of them is pretty much incoherent DROOL because fuck me, Adrien Brody is the most beautiful man alive sometimes.

The other is, um.

Naomi Watts: Hi, I'm blonde and cute and tragic
Fahye: Yup.
Jack Black: I'm amusing but with hints of darkness.
Fahye: Indeed.
Adrien Brody: I'm a lanky quiet writer who wears open shirts and waistcoats and -
Fahye: OH MY FUDIZZLE *in love*
Adrien Brody: Look, the third time you see me I'll be topless for NO REASON AT ALL.
Fahye: Mr Jackson?
Peter Jackson: Yes?
Fahye: Firstborn child. Coming your way.

~

Naomi Watts & Adrien Brody: OUR SUDDEN INEXPLICABLE UST RULES ALL
Fahye: It does indeed!
Naomi Watts & Adrien Brody: *kiss*
Fahye: *stares* Could we. Um. Maybe just pause it here...? For...a while?

~

Fog: *looms*
Cook: Arrrr!
Audience: HOMG IT'S ANDY SERKIS HI ANDY
Fog: *gloops*
Boy: BIG MOFO ROCKS AHEEEEEEAD!
Fahye: Hey, it's Billy Elliot!

~

Captain: If you don't come back from the Doomy Island Of Doom, we're sailing away!
Jack Black: Yeah, whatev.
Camera: *sweeps across huge half-ruined walls*
Fahye: Ah, Peter Jackson, how I have missed thee.
Everyone: *is attacked by scary natives*
Captain Deus Ex Machina & crew: *BAM BAM BAM*
Their asses: *are saved*
Jack Black: Sailing away, huh?
Captain Deus Ex Machina: Yeah, well, NEXT time we're REALLY sailing away.

~

Native Pole-Vaulter: *vaults onto ship. somehow. it's pretty damn impressive.*
Adrien Brody: So anyway, I think we should have some post-near-death-experience sex and - hey. Wait. FOLLOW THAT POLE-VAULTER!
Captain Deus Ex Machina: Seriously. Sailing away. Here we go.
Jack Black: Laters.

~

Natives: *light lava flow thingums*
Natives: *appear to go into some kind of group epileptic fit*
Kong: So the big bright signal and the throbbing drums over there mean...'dinner'? No, wait, they mean...'we've brought your latest mail-order bride'? Eh. Who can keep up these days.

~

Search party: *camps on the wide, paved, canyon-like road*
Fahye: ARE YOU INSANE. SOMETHING OBVIOUSLY USES THAT ROAD.
Adrien Brody: Bad feelings. Baaaaad feelings.
Fahye: *weakly* Well done, mate.
Ground: *shakes*
Fahye: HAVE YOU NOT SEEN JAMUNJI. GET OFF THE DAMN ROAD.
Dinosaurs: *trample!*
Everyone: *runs. along the road.*
Fahye: I give up. You deserve whatever you get for that kind of stupidity.
PSA: We've got a fifteen-brontosaurus pileup on Jungle Highway One...

~

Naomi Watts: AIEEEEEEEEEEE GIANT GORILLA
Kong: *shakey shakey*
Naomi Watts: AIEEEEEEEEEEE SKELETONS OF OTHER CUTE BLONDES
Kong: Yeah, them? THEY WOULDN'T STOP SCREAMING EITHER.
Naomi Watts: *shuts up*
Kong: FINALLY.
Naomi Watts: *is attacked by: flesh-eating lizards, T-rexes, giant centipedes*
Fahye: This girl is gonna need a whole lotta therapy.

~

Search party: *is attacked by: dinosaurs, Kong, MORE GIANT FREAKING BUGS*
Adrien Brody: Wonderful, our director has a giant spider fetish and we're all going to die horribly.
Captain Deus Ex Machina & crew: *BAM BAM BAM*
Jack Black: Dude, that's just weird.
Captain Deus Ex Machina: Don't read too much into it.
Jack Black: Fess up. You lost the ship, didn't you?
Captain Deus Ex Machina: I'm the one still holding a gun, asshole. You be quiet.

~

Search party: *attacks Kong*
Naomi Watt: NOOOOOOOO
Jack Black: Ignore her, she's got Stockholm's.
Adrien Brody: I'm being dumped for an APE? I am SO much prettier than he is.
Fahye: HELL YES
Naomi Watts: So maybe I was kidnapped by a maniac and maybe I do have a pretty, caring boyfriend already, but...he's somehow so dark and compelling and totally obsessed with me...
Andrew Lloyd Webber: Eh what?
Peter Jackson: MOVING ON.

~

Kong: *is somehow in NY*
Audience: WHUT WHUT HOW
Our theory for how this was accomplished:

~

Girl on NY stage: Men! They never say what they want to say! They let the most precious thing escape!
Adrien Brody: Zomg, SO TRUE!
Fahye: Um...
Adrien Brody: I MUST PROCLAIM MY LOVE!
Fahye: DUDE, YOU WROTE THIS PLAY. YOU.
Adrien Brody: Shut up, I am wearing a gorgeous suit and dress cloak for NO REASON AT ALL.
Fahye: Point.

~

Kong: *escapes*
Naomi Watts: Let us be reunited! And slide amusingly around on a frozen lake, whilst I toss my hair and laugh!
Army: *BAM BAM BAM*
Naomi Watts: WAY TO RUIN THE MOMENT
Kong: *climbs the Empire State Building*
Naomi Watts: Now it's just us and the cityscape and the sunrise...
Air force: *BAM BAM BAM*
Naomi Watts: WHAT'S A GIRL GOT TO DO TO GET A LITTLE PRIVACY AROUND HERE?

~

Kong: *is shot off tower and faaaaaaalls*
The street: *is miraculously uncracked*
The crowd: *is miraculously unsquashed*
Audience: Wow.
The waily elf lady singer from LotR: *wails*

~

Adrien Brody And Suit: *look longing. and gorgeous.*
Naomi Watts: *is tearful*
Fahye: DON'T PROCLAIM YOUR LOVE. DON'T YOU DARE. BAAAAAAD MOMENT.
They: *embrace wordlessly*
Fahye: Good boy.

~

Peter Jackson: I'm mocking the genre! And embracing it! No, transcending it! No, I'm mocking myself embracing a mocking portrayal of the genre!
Fahye: Stick with pointing out how good your special effects are, dude.